The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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