Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
