woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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