last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
