we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
