apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
