And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize