I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
