dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
