I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
