Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
