mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
