The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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