A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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