My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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