I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
