I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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