Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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