omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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