I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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