Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
