Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
