Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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