I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize