my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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