I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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