I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
