So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
