Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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