Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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