Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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