Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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