First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
