who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
soo... how was my night?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
