I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
