guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
