When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize