my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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