I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
