is your mom at the bar?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
