I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
