I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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