Kiss
Puke
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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