I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
