Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
