walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
