Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
