Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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