Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
