i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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