I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
