I skipped work to stalk him.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
