I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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