that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
