Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
