You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
