I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
