if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this beer tastes like vomit already
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize